ABOUT LOOKS LIKE RAIN
A group of twenty-somethings is staging a play. But there is more drama off-stage than on.
As the pattern for the rest of their lives is set, some of the players begin to ask themselves a question that gets to the core of their being.
Is the hardest thing to bear – not your own misery – but the thought of someone else’s happiness?
This play was inspired by Henry James’ wonderful short story “The Friend of the Friends.” I had also, at the time, recently discovered, and absolutely loved, Turgenev’s “A Month in the Country”.
A play in two acts.
CHARACTERS
TOBY early-twenties, aspiring playwright.
ANGUS DEVILLE mid-twenties, director and another aspiring playwright.
FRANCA early-twenties, production-manager.
ROSHELLE early-twenties, costume designer.
BILLIE mid-twenties, actress.
NOEL late-teens, lighting designer.
SETTINGS
A theatre space.
Outdoor Café.
DeVille’s Apartment.
Franca’s Apartment.
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Scene 1
ACT ONE
THEATRE SPACE
Props, flats, and other theatrical paraphernalia are lying around. At the back of the space is a wall with a window through which a Gothic church can be seen, and to one side is an open door to a side room. ANGUS, not handsome but distinctive, sits at a table, reading a script and absent-mindedly picking at a plate of food.
FRANCA [Offstage] Toby! Toby! Where are you?
[FRANCA enters, looking dour, and fails to see ANGUS who continues reading, hidden from her by a large prop.]
Damn you, Toby, where are you?
[ANGUS looks up languidly as FRANCA storms off.]
[Offstage] Toby, Toby!
[TOBY, something of a puppy dog, enters silently from the other side of stage, pauses and then approaches ANGUS.]
TOBY [Whispering] She’s gone?
[Still reading, ANGUS picks up a piece of finger food, then pauses at sight of it.]
ANGUS What are these horrible things? Really! I tell you, Toby, this job is about as well catered as Auschwitz.
TOBY Angus! Please.
ANGUS Please what?
TOBY You’re such a Nazi.
ANGUS Nazi? Toby, I’ll have you know I absolutely detest Hitler.
TOBY Phew.
ANGUS Yes, I simply can’t forgive the man for making the square-cut moustache forever untrendy.
TOBY [Half offended, half amused] Oh DeVille.
ANGUS [Holding a finger horizontally under his nose] Well, don’t you think I would’ve looked the cream with one? And now it’s verboten. A heavy cross for me to bear.
TOBY DeVille!
ANGUS I’m perfectly serious, Toby. For some people, their epiphany is learning which side to part their hair; for me it was discovering I’d look my dishiest with a Hitler moustache.
TOBY How are rehearsals going?
ANGUS [Waving the script about] With scripts like yours, it’s a wonder I can turn them into such great performances.
TOBY Thanks.
[BILLIE enters. She is tomboyish, sexy, attractive.]
ANGUS Hello, Girl.
BILLIE Hello, Boy.
[BILLIE sits heavily.]
Ouch! There goes my hymen.
ANGUS It went long ago.
BILLIE Are we still going out tonight?
TOBY [Clearly piqued] Where are you going?
ANGUS To see Noack’s play.
TOBY Oh, I wouldn’t mind seeing –
ANGUS [Cutting him off] Sorry. Double pass.
BILLIE Pick me up at seven, Boy.
ANGUS What will you be wearing, Girl?
BILLIE Nothing!
ANGUS Billie!
BILLIE What?
ANGUS Girl, you’re meant to give me all layers. Chiffon slacks, silk undergarments. But instead you say ‘nothing’! How can I mentally undress you now?
BILLIE Ah, but what will I be doing?
ANGUS God love you! Now get in there and start doing your warm-ups.
BILLIE I’ll start by stretching my thighs. Goodbye, Boy.
ANGUS Goodbye, Girl.
[BILLIE turns to leave.]
Oh, Billie, have you finished my play yet?
BILLIE I’ve read half.
ANGUS And?
BILLIE I’ll tell you about both halves tomorrow. Bye, Boy.
[TOBY watches quizzically as she leaves. ANGUS resumes reading.]
TOBY Are you two together?
ANGUS [Looking up] No.
TOBY Oh … And what’s this play she’s reading? One of yours, you say?
ANGUS Yes, you’re not the only one who writes. In fact …
FRANCA [Offstage, whiningly] Toby! Toby!
TOBY Oh God, it’s Franca.
ANGUS [Rising] I’ll leave you to her.
TOBY Angus! Please!
[ANGUS hurries off, leaving TOBY’S script on the table. FRANCA enters from the opposite direction.]
FRANCA Toby!
TOBY Hey, Franca, the battle tanker.
[FRANCA forces a laugh.]
FRANCA Oh, actually, was that a joke?
TOBY The one I just made?
FRANCA Yes, I mean I didn’t really hear it properly. Was it funny?
TOBY [Disbelieving] Sorry?
FRANCA Well, was it?
TOBY Forget it.
FRANCA Done. Now, where were you when I called?
TOBY Just around.
FRANCA Where?
TOBY In here.
FRANCA Really? I looked here.
TOBY I mean, I just arrived.
FRANCA Did you speak to DeVille?
TOBY Briefly.
FRANCA And what’s he been saying?
TOBY About what?
[He shifts his gaze and FRANCA waits.]
FRANCA Is it decided yet what play we’re doing?
TOBY Oh, um, well, we were thinking of doing that one I wrote on the theme of memory.
FRANCA Oh God no, Toby.
TOBY Well, I like it.
FRANCA [Feigned surprise] You can’t? Really? It’s so over the top.
TOBY I thought it was a bit like Picnic at Hanging Rock.
FRANCA Not this again.
TOBY Forget it.
FRANCA You really like lace, don’t you?
TOBY Well, I quite like the dresses women used to wear.
FRANCA I don’t want to hear this about you.
TOBY Then I’ll leave.
FRANCA No, come on, what is it? You like women trussed up in silk, do you?
TOBY No … I guess those clothes were inhibiting but I’m not talking about practicalities. I just like dreamy, that’s all.
FRANCA Hmm. The image I had of you has now been erased. Know what?
TOBY What?
FRANCA You’re frigid.
TOBY [Taken aback] Frigid? Well… Well! If that’s your word for me then … then ‘slovenly’ is my word for you.
FRANCA What do you mean, slovenly? You can be really insulting. Now come on, what do you mean by slovenly?
TOBY Just that.
FRANCA No, come on, say it.
TOBY Oh, just leave it, Franca.
[Pause.]
Anyway, about my play: I do agree I should tone it down a bit.
FRANCA What’s made you see that?
TOBY Nothing particular. Just I can see understatement is best. That a bit of humour mixed in with the tragedy can help heighten the pathos. And avoids didacticism.
FRANCA Finished?
TOBY Oh… well… yes. Weren’t you listening?
FRANCA Oh, you do go off.
TOBY I can’t believe you weren’t listening.
FRANCA Oh, I was. But do you listen to me? I mean, I’m not really interested in some of what you’ve got to say. And you’re not really interested in any of what I’ve got to say.
TOBY I listen, though.
FRANCA See, you admit it.
[TOBY walks to the window and stares out.]
TOBY I love those Gothic churches.
FRANCA They’re boring.
TOBY I quite like them. Like that one there. I’d love to live in it. I’d sit up in the bell tower, deep in shadow, leaning against the cold stone, and peer out over the parapet onto the city. I’d really love that.
FRANCA You are frigid.
TOBY Well, tell me something, Franca! What’s your dream!
FRANCA Well, not that, I can tell you. But yours … I suppose you’d have women in lace wandering around your bell tower too? In their nighties.
TOBY [With a smile, deliberately teasing her] Yes, and with those candles you hold in your hands. The round ones, with a handle for slipping your finger through.
FRANCA See, frigid.
[FRANCA leaves, shaking her head. ANGUS enters, leaving the door open, and heads purposefully to the table.]
ANGUS Forgot your script.
TOBY Well, you were in such a … [Looking through the open doorway] My God, DeVille, who’s that girl?
[ANGUS, about to pick up the script, turns instead and looks where TOBY points.]
ANGUS With the short hair?
TOBY Yes.
ANGUS That’s Kay Masters, our new lead actress. Sorry, act-tor.
TOBY She’s … she’s …
ANGUS [Bemused] Stunning, yes. But, Toby, it’s not like you to be so taken with a girl.
TOBY Isn’t it? Does she always…
ANGUS …wear her pyjamas to rehearsals? Yes, all the boys are infatuated. Their dream come true – a thespian always dressed for bed.
TOBY I… I can’t believe it. That’s definitely pyjamas.
ANGUS Not so strange. Kay lives just across the road. In that Gothic church they’ve divided into flats. Oh well, that’s life for you: nothing’s sacred.
TOBY She wears pyjamas and lives in a Gothic church… remarkable!
ANGUS Remarkable? Boy, you haven’t lived.
TOBY But it is, DeVille. It is!
ANGUS [Waiting, then impatient] Am I going to hear why?
TOBY Well, if nothing else, I mean … well, for most people, wearing pyjamas in public would be a nightmare.
ANGUS A fashion nightmare, for sure. Would it be your nightmare, Toby?
TOBY Fact is, Angus, it’s always been my –
FRANCA [Offstage] Toby! Toby!
ANGUS Your charming friend again. And at such a moment. Oh well, I’m off.
[He turns to flee but TOBY grabs his arm and beseeches him with a look to stay.]
FRANCA [Distant] Toby! Toby!
TOBY Oh, Angus, it’s so hard. She’s always yelling.
ANGUS [Unsympathetically] What did you expect? Our Francesca is an Italian; the rest is noise.
[The two laugh, TOBY a little guiltily.]
TOBY You’re such a racist.
ANGUS Racist! Toby, racism is the practice of mistaking a characteristic for character. That was merely observation. Now, my friend, I must fly.
TOBY No, no, Angus, I’m sure she’d love…
ANGUS …me here? Three’s a crowd.
TOBY There’s nothing between us, DeVille. Why does everyone think we’re a couple?
ANGUS Because you’re always arguing. [Looking round] Now where’s that curious script of yours…? Ah!
TOBY Well, at least when you’re rehearsing the girls, get that one … what’s her name …?
ANGUS You know perfectly well what her name is.
TOBY All right, get Kay to come to the front, near the door.
ANGUS You old perv.
FRANCA [Just offstage] Toby!
[ANGUS turns from the voice and leaves, passing TOBY who snatches the script that protrudes from ANGUS’ pocket, then pockets it himself as FRANCA enters.]
TOBY Hello again, Fran.
FRANCA Toby, I’ve just spoken to Noel.
TOBY [Distracted] Oh.
FRANCA He tells me it’s already decided which play we’re doing, and it’s that stupid ‘memory theme’ one. Girls in lace, Picnic at Hanging Rock-style fantasies. Really, Toby … Toby?
[FRANCA realises someone or something beyond the doorway has caught TOBY’S attention. Her gaze follows his.]
Why do you keep looking at that guy?
TOBY Guy? That’s no guy.
FRANCA Looks like a guy to me.
TOBY Okay, Franca, you win: she’s a he.
FRANCA Yes, and why do you keep looking at him? Think he’s attractive, do you?
TOBY Sure do.
FRANCA You’re gay, aren’t you?
TOBY If you say so.
FRANCA I’d like a gay friend.
TOBY Well, I am then.
FRANCA No you’re not!
TOBY [Vehemently] What do you mean? I am.
FRANCA No, I know you too well.
TOBY Well, I think he’s attractive.
FRANCA Like me, you’d really like to go down on a big, long schlong …?
[ANGUS enters. TOBY is relieved not to be alone with FRANCA.]
TOBY DeVille! I knew you’d come back.
ANGUS First I leave your script behind and then I lose it
TOBY I saved it for you.
ANGUS You mean you took it from me?
TOBY Angus, please.
FRANCA Hello, Angus.
ANGUS Good morning, Francesca. The morning light becomes you.
FRANCA Ha, ha, ha. Oh, I’m sorry, was that clever?
ANGUS Only if you’re not. Now, I don’t wish to impose on the happy couple any longer so if you’ll excuse me …
TOBY We’re not a couple.
FRANCA Wait, DeVille.
ANGUS Why?
FRANCA Our Toby here has an announcement to make.
TOBY What?
FRANCA A coming-out.
TOBY Oh, Francesca, please!
FRANCA Shush. Now DeVille, Toby tells me he finds your leading actor attractive.
ANGUS He’s told you that?
FRANCA Yes, and much more.
ANGUS [Patting TOBY on the back] Well, the world is wonderful and youthful after all.
FRANCA Prepare to be even more surprised.
TOBY Francesca!
FRANCA He’s told me he’d really love to go down on a –
TOBY Fran! Francesca, please, shut up. You’ve got it wrong! He’s a she. That’s who I was staring at. The new girl.
FRANCA That a girl? The one with short hair?
ANGUS I’m afraid Toby is actually correct this time, Francesca, rare as that may be.
FRANCA Really? A girl?
TOBY As if you didn’t know that, Fran. I’m sure you can see she’s very attractive.
FRANCA Oh, so you were staring at her? Someone for your castle, I suppose?
ANGUS Castle?
FRANCA Oh, DeVille, you don’t know: Toby’s dream has always been to live in a Gothic church with women walking around in their nighties.
ANGUS [To TOBY] A Gothic church …? In their pyjamas …?
TOBY [Uncomfortably] Oh, well …
FRANCA Pyjamas, nighties. Whatever.
ANGUS And this fantasy of Toby’s – is it new, do you think, Francesca?
FRANCA Sad to say: no. The same old one.
ANGUS And by ‘the same old one’, Francesca, do you mean to imply that it has been a fantasy of Toby’s for longer than five minutes?
FRANCA It’s been his fantasy the whole time I’ve known him – all of five and a half years.
ANGUS [To TOBY] Well, well, Toby, I now see why you were so surprised just before. [Turning to leave] Perhaps dreams do come true.
TOBY Angus, please.
FRANCA Surprised by what?
TOBY It doesn’t matter. You wouldn’t approve.
[ANGUS leaves.]
FRANCA I shouldn’t think I would. [Screwing up her nose] I don’t like that DeVille.
TOBY Ha! After saying just yesterday that, whichever play we chose, he was the man to direct!
FRANCA Well, he’s too clever.
TOBY Everyone’s too ‘something’ for you, Franca. Anyway, I reckon we should have a party.
FRANCA A party? What …? Oh, I see. And invite this tomboy, of course?
TOBY Well … perhaps.
FRANCA [Sulky] She’s not you.
[ROSHELLE appears, dressed in Indian-style clothes, and wheeling a clothed dressmaker’s dummy. ROSHELLE is more handsome than stunning, but has a vibrant air. She hails from Argentina.]
ROSHELLE Ah, Tobes, here you are.
TOBY Here I am.
ROSHELLE All done. Kay’s dress.
[She smooths the dress which is an old-fashioned lace one.]
FRANCA That wouldn’t be made of – no, don’t tell me …
ROSHELLE [Puzzled] Yes, Franca, it’s lace. Gorgeous lace.
[NOEL shuffles onstage backwards, laying cable. He is short, round and unattractive in cargo pants and a peaked cap. Becoming aware of the others, he stops and looks up.]
NOEL Toby, you sure you want the lighting to look like it’s coming through lace?
[In the silence that follows, NOEL looks from one to the other until FRANCA speaks.]
FRANCA Noel, would you please tell me about this girl in lace nighties.
NOEL D’you mean Kay? The girl in PJs? Yeah, man, she’s joy.
FRANCA Then why don’t you make a move on her?
TOBY What?
NOEL Oh, well, you know, Franca D., I respect her too much for that. You know, Kay’s my best friend – I don’t want that ruined. And we’re flatmates, did you know? Wouldn’t be right.
ROSHELLE Ah, No-el, you know what I think?
NOEL Er …
ROSHELLE This respect thing … this is just an excuse.
NOEL Excuse?
ROSHELLE Here, it’s all so different from home. There, if a man likes you, he tells you. In a pub. He’ll just walk over. This happens so fast. Then you have a long time of just kissing, getting to know each other’s body. And then when you finally make love, it’s so good. Here, you take so long to say to someone you like them, then you get straight into bed. Argh! This is so stupid! You Aussies are so stupid.
NOEL Well, actually—
ROSHELLE One day, No-el, when you really know a woman—
NOEL Hey, I’ve known many women. Many.
ROSHELLE [Patting NOEL’S head] Ah, No-el, you are so funny. [Hugging him] You’re my little teddy bear. [Hugging TOBY] Good-bye, beautiful.
TOBY See you, Roshelle.
[He hugs her awkwardly, tapping her back.]
ROSHELLE What’s this?
TOBY What?
ROSHELLE Pat, pat, pat?
TOBY Oh, well …
ROSHELLE Like a dog. You are such a stupid. Stupido! By the time I leave, you’ll all learn to hug properly.
[ROSHELLE goes to hug FRANCA, who recoils. ROSHELLE shrugs, strokes TOBY on the cheek and leaves.]
NOEL [Imitating ROSHELLE] Ah, Toby, you are so stupid. You are such a stupid.
[FRANCA laughs out loud.]
TOBY Franca!
FRANCA What? Noel’s a good mimic. He should be an actor.
NOEL Could just be. [Looking through the doorway] Hey, break time in rehearsals. Coming for drinks?
TOBY Of course! I mean …
FRANCA Ha! You’re so obvious. Can’t wait to see Pyjama Girl, can we?
NOEL [Turning first to FRANCA, then to TOBY] What, Kay? Hey, man, do you think I have a chance with her?
TOBY You? Er, well, maybe … Franca?
FRANCA Sure, why not, Noel? You just keep being a Big Sister to her …
NOEL [Like a child who has just realised he is the butt of a joke] Oh, you’re so … so …
FRANCA Cold?
[The two go to leave. FRANCA puts a hand on TOBY’S arm.]
FRANCA Toby.
TOBY What?
FRANCA You used to say sorry.
TOBY [Perplexed] Sorry?
FRANCA That’s better. Six tomorrow.
TOBY What? I mean, sorry?
FRANCA Our once a month film.
TOBY Oh yeah, sure. Bye, Fran.
NOEL [To TOBY ] So what’s this film you’re off to see, Toby man? Why haven’t I been…?
[The two leave, FRANCA watching with disdain.]
Scene 2
THEATRE SPACE
Fade up to reveal the same space as before, on the following morning. ANGUS and BILLIE emerge from opposite sides of the stage.
ANGUS Hello, girl.
BILLIE Hello, boy.
ANGUS And how are you this morning?
BILLIE I read your play, boy.
ANGUS Well, girl … Did you …?
BILLIE Climax? Ooh, baby!
ANGUS No, seriously.
BILLIE You’ve been getting serious a lot with me lately.
ANGUS Well, I—
BILLIE Your play, yes. Now that’s another side to you, boy. One you don’t show much.
ANGUS Well, dear, the problem with a sensitive side is that it makes you tender.
[They laugh, then sidle closer.]
BILLIE There was actually a lot that seemed strangely familiar, Angus. A girl and a boy, friends for a very long time …
ANGUS I’m glad it was familiar, Billie. It’s quite a challenge to write fiction that’s full of truth.
BILLIE So, dear, what’s most fiction? Just that?
ANGUS They’re the facts!
BILLIE Are you pushing yourself against me?
ANGUS Yes, but with good intentions.
BILLIE Pity.
ANGUS Why?
BILLIE I was hoping they were bad.
ANGUS Well, dear.
BILLIE Well, dearest.
ANGUS Dearest …? Well, dearest, darling, gorgeous, pet—
BILLIE Pet?
ANGUS Not pet?
BILLIE You can be mine.
ANGUS Gladly.
BILLIE Well?
ANGUS What?
BILLIE Boy, I have to do everything.
[BILLIE and ANGUS lean together to kiss. Just as their lips meet, TOBY’S voice is heard.]
TOBY [Offstage] Angus! ANGUS!
[ANGUS and BILLIE reluctantly pull away from each other.]
BILLIE Business?
ANGUS Must be.
BILLIE Why?
ANGUS Because this can only be pleasure.
BILLIE Ouch!
ANGUS Sorry, but I lose my wit round you.
[ANGUS and BILLIE kiss.]
TOBY [Offstage] Angus? Where are you?
[BILLIE pulls away.]
ANGUS You’re leaving?
BILLIE I’ve got to go and learn his stupid lines. Goodbye, boy.
ANGUS Goodbye, girl.
[BILLIE leaves as TOBY enters from the other side.]
TOBY Angus, where were you when I called?
ANGUS Right here.
TOBY Well, answer me. The actors are waiting. Get them to mean the lines, not just say them. The whole thing’s sounding frig…
ANGUS What?
TOBY Flat.
ANGUS I’ll work on it. [Starts to leave but stops] Oh, how’d drinks go last night?
[TOBY breaks into a smile.]
You devil, you’ll have to tell me all.
TOBY Actually, it wasn’t so good. We couldn’t get into The GB.
ANGUS Why?
TOBY Kay was in her pyjamas. [Beat] Silk.
ANGUS People simply cannot dress down any further. But I imagine you still had fun?
TOBY I think so.
ANGUS You think so? Toby, this is your dream come true! A-gothic-church girl-in-PJS. Not my fantasy, but original. Don’t think.
TOBY But—
ANGUS You never know.
TOBY You seem different, Angus.
ANGUS How so?
TOBY Well, you’re normally so … so flippant.
ANGUS Fight absurdity with absurdity, I used to say. But right now life’s making sense. Go for it.
[ANGUS leaves. ROSHELLE walks in and holds a period dress against herself.]
ROSHELLE Ah, Tobes, this is so beautiful. Is this what you see Miranda wearing?
TOBY It’s how I’ve written her.
ROSHELLE Ah, that is so good. I’m so glad I can help you with this vision.
[ROSHELLE places the dress on a dummy so that she can attend to the hems. ROSHELLE and TOBY begin the next lines simultaneously.]
ROSHELLE Toby, why don’t we—
TOBY Roshelle, the girl in—sorry, you first.
ROSHELLE No, you.
TOBY Roshelle, she asked me over.
ROSHELLE Who?
TOBY The girl in the pyjamas. Kay.
ROSHELLE [Angrily] Then go.
[TOBY wanders up and down]
TOBY I don’t know. Argh. Argh.
ROSHELLE Argh! Argh! You are always doing this. You make me laugh. You are so stupid.
TOBY I don’t know if I should go or not.
ROSHELLE Argh! Argh! You make everything so difficult, Toby. If you want to go, just go.
TOBY It’s never that easy, Roshelle. I can’t just not go to work sometimes. I have to weigh everything up. Everything has consequences.
ROSHELLE Is that all the problem? Work?
TOBY Theatre hardly pays the bills.
ROSHELLE This is just an excuse, this work. Don’t go.
TOBY [Theatrically] Argh! Argh!
ROSHELLE [Laughing] Do you know what?
TOBY What?
ROSHELLE I see what you are.
TOBY And what’s that?
ROSHELLE You are not into your body.
TOBY [Insulted] I beg your pardon?
ROSHELLE You are not into your body.
TOBY What does that mean?
ROSHELLE Ah, Tobes, Tobes, you don’t understand me. You will one day.
TOBY Not into my body? This old girl can still give me pleasure yet! What a thing to say.
ROSHELLE Ah, wait, maybe … Like before. You wanted to go after Kay but your mind said no.
TOBY Oh. [Pause.] Not in-side my body.
ROSHELLE Ah, yes. This is perhaps better. You’re not inside your body. But this is a good thing. I like this in you. You are so funny.
TOBY Thanks. And you’re so …
ROSHELLE Yes?
TOBY Sooo … – Oh, I don’t know.
ROSHELLE Ah, see, you can’t describe me. You never will. I’m a …
TOBY An enigma?
ROSHELLE Ah, you have this word too.
TOBY Alright, I’ll go. [Pause.] Wait! I have to see Franca at six. What can I do!
ROSHELLE Just go!
TOBY Alright, damn it, I will. [Pause.] But what shall I tell Franca?
ROSHELLE The truth.
TOBY She’ll be angry.
ROSHELLE Argh!
TOBY Okay, okay, you’re right, you’re right. Here’s to spontaneity!
[TOBY goes to leave.]
ROSHELLE Ah hem. [ROSHELLE has her arms open for a hug.]
TOBY Oh right.
ROSHELLE Ah, no patting. You’re getting better. See you, beautiful.
[TOBY leaves. ANGUS enters. ROSHELLE rushes towards him, kissing him.]
ROSHELLE [In a sing-song] An-gus!
ANGUS Roshelle! So much hugging!
ROSHELLE Before I leave, you’ll all get used to this.
ANGUS Are you well, Roshelle?
ROSHELLE You seem happy.
ANGUS I am.
ROSHELLE Like you’re not acting you’re happy, you really are.
ANGUS Is that how I seem most of the time, Roshelle? To be acting?
ROSHELLE Yes. That’s what I feel with you. It’s just this feeling in here.
ANGUS Well, wherever it comes from, I’m going to have to watch you from now on.
ROSHELLE Why?
ANGUS You’re a smart girl.
ROSHELLE But why does that mean you have to watch me?
ANGUS Roshelle, I’m giving you a compliment! I’m saying you’re not bad.
ROSHELLE Not bad? I know you Aussies. This means I’m alright! You are such stupids!
ANGUS You bet.
ROSHELLE Argh! Come here, beautiful.
[ROSHELLE hugs ANGUS again. ANGUS pulls away and grabs the dress.]
ANGUS Now that really is beautiful.
ROSHELLE Isn’t it!
ANGUS Roshelle, you made it. [ROSHELLE stares back blankly.] Yes, it’s beautiful. Perfect for Billie. First complete run-through tomorrow.
ROSHELLE All these new couples.
ANGUS Must be Spring.
ROSHELLE Then comes Winter.
ANGUS Then rain.
[BILLIE enters.]
ROSHELLE Here’s Billie. I’ll go.
ANGUS Please.
[ROSHELLE leaves after hugging ANGUS.]
BILLIE Hello, boy.
ANGUS Hello, girl. Forgotten something?
BILLIE You.
[ANGUS takes BILLIE in his arms and is about to kiss her when BILLIE speaks.]
BILLIE You and Wardrobe seemed friendly?
ANGUS Oh, Billie, it’s just her way. It’s you I want to hug.
[ANGUS pulls BILLIE towards him again, holding the dress against her.]
Who’s my stunning princess now?
[They kiss. BILLIE pulls away and holds the dress against ANGUS.]
BILLIE And who’s mine?
ANGUS God, I love everything about you, Billie. Even when you tease me.
BILLIE That’s good. Even when I tease you. That’s good.
ANGUS Girl, I’m very … fond of you.
BILLIE Fond of me?
ANGUS Well, I …
[TOBY enters, but remains at the door.]
Here’s the playwright.
BILLIE God, I’ve got to learn his lines.
ANGUS Don’t you like his plays?
BILLIE Girls drowning in lakes?
ANGUS Hm … Well, see you tonight?
BILLIE Perhaps.
ANGUS Perhaps? You old tease. Good bye, girl.
BILLIE Good-bye, boy.
[BILLIE walks past TOBY who looks at her questioningly. In answer, BILLIE pokes her tongue out at TOBY in a friendly fashion before leaving.]
TOBY Well, well, DeVille, what have we here? You and Billie? – but you’ve been friends for years.
ANGUS And that’s the best part of it, Toby. That we were the best of friends first.
TOBY So, not love at first sight?
ANGUS No, not … love at first sight but … maybe … love at long last. Hey, Toby, I think I do love her. I love her. I love Billie. As she is. No fantasy. At last I love a real person!
TOBY Is that so hard?
ANGUS Impossible!
[ANGUS starts to leave. He opens the door to the rehearsal room. TOBY peers over his shoulder.]
TOBY Oh God, a dressing gown now! She’s so …
ANGUS … ready for bed?
TOBY Angus! It’s not about that.
ANGUS It should be in part.
TOBY Quick, shut the door. Look, Angus, I might sit in on this rehearsal.
ANGUS Toby!
TOBY Well, I am the playwright.
ANGUS Quite right.
[ANGUS drags TOBY through the door. Fade to black.]
Scene 3
Theatre Space
Fade up from black to the same space as before. ROSHELLE is busy with her costumes. FRANCA is doing some written work. They both get up to grab the stapler at the same time. ROSHELLE takes it first. FRANCA sits back down again. TOBY enters.
FRANCA Well?
TOBY Well what?
FRANCA How was the rehearsal?
TOBY Oh God, I felt so … funny. Around her.
FRANCA Her?
TOBY Kay. She didn’t look at me all, Roshelle. I wanted to jump up and down in front of her.
ROSHELLE This is so you. Not inside your body.
TOBY It’s crazy. I’ve never felt this way before.
FRANCA I don’t see what’s so good about her.
TOBY But you would, Franca, if you just spoke to her.
FRANCA Don’t expect me to like her.
TOBY She’s just so … so … I’m …
ROSHELLE In love?
TOBY What?
ROSHELLE Love – why can’t you say this? I – love – you.
TOBY It’s … it’s … I don’t know. I have to …
ROSHELLE Tut, tut, tut. Ah, Toby, you’ll be an old man and still you won’t have said this.
TOBY I will. But when I do, I want to mean it.
FRANCA Mean it? Ha! He’s never meant anything he’s said.
[FRANCA leaves.]
ROSHELLE Ergh! I just felt this … With her around. This bad energy.
TOBY Franca …? Yes, well, she’s … So, what about your love life, Roshelle? The Stage Manager – Steven – he’s interested in you.
ROSHELLE He’s … nice.
TOBY Ah, nice. Then what’s the problem?
ROSHELLE He’s just very nice. He is not complicated. [Pause] Not like you.
TOBY But I thought you hated that I was complicated. There must be something else.
ROSHELLE Yes, there is.
TOBY Tell me.
ROSHELLE [After a pause] He could never hurt me.
TOBY He could never …? But you could hurt …?
ROSHELLE … him, yes.
TOBY I see. I see! That’s very profound, Roshelle.
ROSHELLE Of course. Everything I say is profound. Oh see, I’m now like you.
[FRANCA re-enters with another stapler. ROSHELLE looks at her own stapler then at FRANCA’S.]
FRANCA Alright, enough gossip. The play goes on in a week.
TOBY Sorry, Franca.
FRANCA Roshelle, how’s Wardrobe? Everything done?
ROSHELLE Franca, you should respect me.
FRANCA What? Well, just get moving, that’s all.
ROSHELLE Don’t tell me to get moving, Franca. I’m not paid to do this.
TOBY Hey, Roshelle.
FRANCA Well, if you want to leave.
TOBY Hey, Franca.
ROSHELLE No, Franca, I’ll do this but not for you. For Toby. [Kissing and hugging TOBY] Good-bye, beautiful.
[ROSHELLE leaves.]
FRANCA How touching. [Pause.] We don’t hug and kiss when we meet and say good-bye, Toby.
TOBY Hm … What?
FRANCA [Angrily] Well, can’t you help me with the program at least? No one thinks about how much work I have to do. Production Manager isn’t the most glamorous job, I know.
TOBY Franca, I’ve already got so much to do myself.
FRANCA What like?
TOBY I’ve got to finish the last scene, then paint the backdrop, and write some verse for –
FRANCA Finished?
TOBY What?
FRANCA We all know how clever you are.
TOBY Franca, I didn’t mean it like that. Look, why don’t you help me with the backdrop?
FRANCA I don’t want to start. I’d take it too seriously.
TOBY Start painting with me, at my class.
FRANCA You’re always competing with me! Why do you always have to compete?
TOBY I’m not. I just said … Look, you’ve got to start somewhere. [Pause; deviously] Kay can paint.
FRANCA What?
[TOBY shrugs and starts to walk away. FRANCA runs after him and stands in front of him.]
What?
TOBY You heard.
FRANCA I heard. And I’m leaving. Fuck your play.
TOBY Fine.
FRANCA I mean it.
TOBY You can’t hurt me, Franca.
FRANCA What did you say?
TOBY You seem to be losing your hearing. I said, ‘You – can’t – hurt – me.’
FRANCA I can’t hurt you? Where do you get off by telling me that? I can’t hurt you? Toby, what does that mean?
[TOBY leaves, smiling.]
[Yelling after him] Toby, what do you mean, I can’t hurt you? Toby! Toby! Well, I can tell you one thing, you’ve … hurt … me …
[TOBY’S meaning has suddenly dawned on FRANCA. The lights go dark on her.]
Scene 4
THEATRE SPACE
Fade up to BILLIE doing stretching exercises. FRANCA enters, then begins searching through her desk. She gives up.
FRANCA If you keep a thing for five years then throw it away, the next day you’ll find a use for it.
BILLIE What’s that?
FRANCA My paint tools. Oh, I haven’t the time anyway. The press releases should be out today. No one thinks how hard my job is. [Pause.] So, Billie, you and Angus seem to be getting on well?
BILLIE We always have.
FRANCA I’m mean, unusually well. [Pause. BILLIE doesn’t respond.] So, is he the one?
BILLIE I don’t know that I believe in ‘the one.’
FRANCA I meant the next one.
[They both laugh.]
So, how do you do it, Billie? Never without a man for long, are you?
BILLIE What do you mean?
[FRANCA starts fixing herself tea. BILLIE goes back to her exercises.]
FRANCA So how do you take it?
BILLIE I beg your pardon?
FRANCA White, black?
BILLIE Sorry?
FRANCA Sugar, no sugar? [Explaining] I’m making tea.
BILLIE [After a pause] Milky and sweet, thank you.
FRANCA I hope it’s serious for you, Billie, because I think it’s serious for Angus. I mean, it’s widely known you have an open leg policy.
[BILLIE is unimpressed and starts to leave.]
[Regretfully] I just meant …
[BILLIE leaves. NOEL climbs down a ladder where he’s been rigging a light.]
NOEL Whatup, Franca D? [Nodding in the direction BILLIE left] No sense of humour, hey?
FRANCA Noel? Trust you to listen. Still … You’re big ears might be an asset.
[FRANCA moves to a corner, NOEL follows, feeling his ears for size. The two reach a corner where they start to chat silently. Meanwhile ANGUS and BILLIE meet each other centre stage. They smile at each other before kissing.]
ANGUS Hello, girl.
BILLIE Hello, boy.
ANGUS Can I see you tonight after rehearsals?
BILLIE Maybe next week.
ANGUS Next week? That’s too long. I miss you.
BILLIE No you don’t.
ANGUS Yes, I do. I miss you every second I’m not with you.
BILLIE I have to go. We should talk about this.
ANGUS Talk about what?
BILLIE What we’re doing, boy. You’re just letting yourself go. Not thinking about it.
ANGUS Yes! Yes, I’m not thinking at all.
BILLIE That’s the problem.
ANGUS Billie!
BILLIE I must go.
ANGUS When can I see you?
BILLIE I’ll call you.
[BILLIE leaves. FRANCA and NOEL approach.]
FRANCA She seemed in a hurry.
NOEL Couldn’t wait to get away from you, hey Devlin?
[Before ANGUS can respond, TOBY rushes in.]
TOBY Angus!
ANGUS Toby!
TOBY How are you, guys? Angus, how’s it going?
ANGUS Well, I’m –
TOBY Angus, she asked me over.
ANGUS Who?
TOBY Kay, the girl in pyjamas. And guess what?
ANGUS I couldn’t possibly.
TOBY She asked me to bring my pyjamas.
Scene 5
THEATRE SPACE
Early morning. FRANCA is busily painting. ANGUS is looking out the window.
FRANCA Is his car there?
ANGUS No, Francesca.
FRANCA It’s nearly lunchtime.
ANGUS Well, I guess … Here he is.
[ANGUS walks to the door and opens it obediently. TOBY walks in in a daze.]
ANGUS Toby, my boy, you have arrived!
TOBY Oh, Angus, I’m so happy today.
FRANCA You’re never happy.
TOBY Really …? Well, I’m happy today.
FRANCA Why?
TOBY No reason.
ANGUS There doesn’t have to be a reason.
TOBY Exactly. I’m just happy.
FRANCA There is a reason.
TOBY [Not listening] I feel like singing.
FRANCA You don’t sing.
TOBY [Defiantly] ‘There’s a song in the air, fah la la, do re me, don’t leave the teabag in the tea …’
FRANCA Don’t embarrass yourself.
TOBY ‘Maybe I’m just a fool, seren-ading a mule.’
FRANCA You don’t sing.
TOBY But I am singing, Franca. How do you explain that one?
[FRANCA wanders to the side of the stage before swivelling round to face TOBY again.]
FRANCA What is it that she says?
TOBY [Stopping suddenly; meditatively] Nothing really. [Pause.] It’s how she looks with the sun behind her …
FRANCA [Incredulously] A look? You’re in love with a look?
TOBY Well, I don’t know that I’m … I’m …
FRANCA What is it?
TOBY I’m … My God!
FRANCA What?
TOBY You’re right, Franca.
FRANCA No I’m not.
TOBY You’re exactly right.
FRANCA No you’re not.
TOBY I am, Franca!
FRANCA No!
TOBY I’m in love! Every moment without her is just … filling in time.
FRANCA Thanks.
[FRANCA walks out.]
TOBY Wait, Franca, you know what I mean.
ANGUS That was a little cruel, Toby.
TOBY What was? [Hugging him] Oh, DeVille! Jump! How can you stand there?
ANGUS Gravity.
TOBY God! To think! She’s so … so … Oh, DeVille, let’s talk about anything else. Help me pass the time.
ANGUS I could knock you out.
TOBY What? Hey? No. Maybe not.
[TOBY walks to the window where the gothic church may be observed.]
Oh, I don’t believe it, Angus. This has always been my dream. Living in a gothic church, sitting up in the bell tower, cloaked in shadow, back against the cold stone, with my girl beside me –
ANGUS – dressed in lace?
TOBY [Laughing] Yes, and we’ll peer over the parapet onto the city. And the only light we’ll have to see each other by, will emanate from a candle.
ANGUS One of those ones you hold in your hand?
TOBY Yes, a round one, with a handle for slipping your finger through.
ANGUS Fanciful stuff.
TOBY [Hurt] Fanciful! Well, tell me your dream, Angus?
ANGUS I never remember them.
TOBY I do, and mine’s come true.
[A pause. TOBY examines ANGUS inquiringly.]
Do you believe in the supernatural, Angus?
ANGUS No, Toby. In fact, now and then I get this horrible feeling that the world is exactly as it appears.
TOBY Kay in her pyjamas …
ANGUS My point exactly.
TOBY God, just to hold her! Make me think of anything else! Oh, I know. DeVille, what’s this I hear from Billie? At last they’re staging one of your plays.
ANGUS So they say, Toby. But I never believe a thing until it happens.
TOBY Believe it, boyo. Hey, you’re almost as good as me. [Pause.] What’s it about?
ANGUS Sober love, I guess. It’s too –
TOBY Hey, Angus, I should ring her, shouldn’t I?
ANGUS What?
TOBY Too early, you think?
[NOEL walks past.]
ANGUS Well, let’s see. It’s about morning tea now. You last saw her when?
TOBY Breakfast.
[Pause. NOEL stops, intrigued by the conversation.]
Hey, I think I left too quickly.
NOEL Left where?
TOBY Noel?
NOEL Hey, Toby man, was that you flying from our house this morning? From Kay’s room? You’d tell the brother man, wouldn’t you, Tobwah? I really like Kay, man.
[TOBY and ANGUS look at each other.]
ANGUS Toby, you should tell Noel.
NOEL Tell me what?
TOBY Why?
ANGUS It would be the nice thing to do.
TOBY Ah, nice. Hey Noelly, mate, about me and Kay …
[The three talk silently for some moments as FRANCA enters unseen and watches them. After a short while, TOBY and ANGUS leave after patting NOEL consolingly on the back. FRANCA runs up and accosts NOEL.]
FRANCA Noel!
NOEL What? Oh, Franca D.
FRANCA Quick, tell me. What were they saying? Did Toby talk about last night?
NOEL Yeah.
FRANCA And?
NOEL He reckons they had a sleep-over.
FRANCA A sleep-over! She’s such a baby. Were they his words?
NOEL Yeah, pretty much.
FRANCA And why did he tell you this? It’s not like him to.
NOEL Well …
FRANCA What?
NOEL I said I liked her too.
FRANCA Ah!
NOEL [Angrily] Franca, me and Kay – we’re the best of housemates. We have a laugh. He comes along – doesn’t even know her.
FRANCA Alright, Noel. That’s enough. You’re upset. How did he tell you? He was bragging?
NOEL Well, no, more … He was just saying so … so I wouldn’t find out later and all … We’d stay mates.
FRANCA Mates. Ha! [Walking away] You know what he says about you …
NOEL No?
FRANCA Oh … No, I shouldn’t say.
NOEL What?
FRANCA You’re every girl’s Big Sister.
NOEL But you say that.
FRANCA Look, let me get this straight, Noel: you lay out your feelings for her, then he brags about sleeping with her?
NOEL Well, a sleep-over.
[FRANCA huffs at this.]
Hey, you know, I really respect women, Franca. I love women. I wouldn’t lay a finger on one. I respect them that much. Never touch them with a –
FRANCA Yes. Of course. Now, you’ll see Kay today?
NOEL Yes.
FRANCA You know, she’s such a sweet thing, Noel. But it’s a sexist world. A guy says he’s fucked a girl and he’s a hero, but the girl just looks like a slut.
NOEL She’s not a slut.
FRANCA Well, Big Sister?
NOEL Shut up with that.
FRANCA That’s not me; that’s Toby speaking.
NOEL Tobwah?
FRANCA Naturally. Well, Big Sister, are you going to let Toby-boy treat little sister like that?
[NOEL storms off. FRANCA smiles before exiting in the other direction. BILLIE and ANGUS meet in the dark. After kissing, BILLIE sits on ANGUS’S lap. ANGUS hugs her. The lights come up.]
ANGUS Oh God, I can’t hold you close enough!
BILLIE So I can feel your throbbing member?
ANGUS Oh you!
BILLIE Always so serious.
ANGUS I’m serious about you.
BILLIE I like you silly.
ANGUS I’ve been silly for too long.
BILLIE [After a pause] Well, are we going to sit like this forever?
ANGUS You want to get active?
BILLIE Oh yes, baby, please! Shaft up me!
ANGUS Billie!
BILLIE Angry again?
ANGUS No, it’s just … I lust for you, of course, but I also long. I feel …
BILLIE Losing your tongue again?
ANGUS You’re not making this easy, baby. I’m trying to say that I feel, well …
BILLIE Well?
ANGUS Well, infinitely tender towards you. Don’t you like hugging as well, Billie?
BILLIE I guess. A bit.
ANGUS I love holding you. You’re so beautiful, Billie. I don’t want to let you go. I’ve been thinking about what we’re doing, like you wanted me to.
BILLIE We’re not doing anything.
ANGUS I mean, about us being friends for so long and getting together. I thought about it, like you wanted me to.
BILLIE Oh, like I wanted you to?
ANGUS Ye-es, girl, a-a-and I know how I feel.
BILLIE Serious again.
ANGUS Never more so. Billie, dear, dearest, darling …
BILLIE Get on with it.
ANGUS I love you.
[ANGUS goes to kiss BILLIE but BILLIE stands up and walks away.]
BILLIE I knew this would happen.
ANGUS What?
BILLIE I don’t want to hurt you, Angus.
ANGUS But …? Billie!
BILLIE I’ve got to go, boy. It’s late.
[BILLIE starts to leave.]
ANGUS Billie!
[BILLIE heads towards the exit. The door opens, with ROSHELLE coming through holding her dress-making things. BILLIE sees something through the door she likes.]
BILLIE Ouch, who’s that hunk, Roshelle? I like hairy chests.
ROSHELLE Oh, that is Steven, the Stage Manager. He is being my dummy for fitting costumes for the actors.
BILLIE Well, he’s a dummy I could suck on.
ANGUS Billie?
BILLIE Just joking, Angus. See you, guys.
[BILLIE leaves. ANGUS looks through the door at the guy BILLIE was admiring then closes it slowly.]
ANGUS Do you go for looks, Roshelle?
ROSHELLE That is so stupid. Angus, a person is beautiful if I like them. If I don’t, I don’t care how attractive they are.
ANGUS Billie is beautiful, like her or not. She could have any of those hunks on or offstage.
ROSHELLE Angus, she is a stupid. Such a stupid! She can’t see who you are. You are a beautiful person, Angus.
ANGUS I don’t believe you, Roshelle. Ugliness is a crime; people are punished for it all their lives.
[NOEL enters unseen, carrying a light.]
ROSHELLE Ah, Angus, let me buy you lunch.
NOEL Lunch?
ANGUS A table for two.
ROSHELLE No-el, my little Teddy Bear, we’ll have lunch tomorrow. Just us two.
[ROSHELLE takes ANGUS’ hand and leads him away.]
NOEL Ah, No-el, you are such a stupid. Everyone is such a stupid. Bitch.
[FRANCA approaches from the other side, grabbing NOEL who picks up the light he was carrying before.]
FRANCA Noel!
NOEL Franca?
FRANCA Did you speak to Kay?
NOEL Yeah, just before. I rang her.
FRANCA And?
NOEL She’s pretty pissed off. Can’t believe what Tobwah’s been rapping.
FRANCA What did I tell you, Noel? Boys like to brag.
Scene 6
OUTDOOR CAFÉ
ANGUS and ROSHELLE are talking, eating lunch at a table. ANGUS gets up and walks to the counter to buy more drinks. TOBY is sitting on a stool at the bar. The two notice each other.
TOBY Angus!
ANGUS Toby.
TOBY What are you doing here?
ANGUS Lunch with Roshelle. She thought she’d cheer –
TOBY Oh God, Angus! This morning! I’ve never been so happy just to hold a girl, to lie next to her.
ANGUS What?
TOBY Kay. Waking up beside her this morning – argh! Such joy.
ANGUS Must be the silk.
TOBY Angus, for the first time I understand kissing as a joy in itself. We kissed for hours. Drank wine from each other’s lips.
ANGUS If you’re sure, Toby, then I’m happy for you.
TOBY About time someone was. Franca, Noel …
ANGUS Don’t mind them. I’m glad someone’s happy. You’ve never seemed that happy, Toby.
TOBY Haven’t I? What about you …?
ANGUS Oh well, happiness is not wanting. And I so want …
[TOBY has noticed ROSHELLE.]
TOBY Roshelle? Oh, I can’t wait to tell her, Angus. This is the best feeling ever.
ANGUS Oh wait, Toby, I don’t think it’s such a good …
[ANGUS watches as TOBY goes to the table where ROSHELLE is sitting. He tells her his news with delight but she responds dourly.]
… idea.
ROSHELLE Let me get this right. You love her because of the way she bites her fingers? Ah Toby, that is so clichéd. You are a cliché. You are not in love with her.
TOBY Am so.
ROSHELLE You are not.
TOBY Am.
ROSHELLE Aren’t.
TOBY Am.
[ANGUS quietly slips away.]
ROSHELLE People are so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I like to tell them how stupid they are.
TOBY It’s not your job to.
ROSHELLE What?
TOBY It’s not your job to enlighten people, Roshelle. You can be so judgmental.
ROSHELLE Ah, Toby, Toby. Tut, tut, tut. I don’t like this. You are trying to change me. I don’t like this.
TOBY What’s wrong with changing?
ROSHELLE No, I don’t change. You’re telling me I’m judgmental to change me. You want to change me.
TOBY And you telling me I’m self-centred – what did you think would happen there? Roshelle, you can’t say to someone, ‘You’re self-centred but I like that in you.’
ROSHELLE Ah, Toby, right now I am not liking you.
TOBY Because I might have a point?
ROSHELLE Sometimes I think you say everything opposite just to – how you say –piss people off. You are playing Toby.
[TOBY engages in a little dramatic play-acting.]
ROSHELLE What’s this? What’s this rolling of the eyes?
TOBY I don’t know, Roshelle. Not everything has a meaning.
[TOBY starts playing with the tablecloth.]
ROSHELLE Ah, Tobes, you are always playing with something. Where I come from, that means sexual frustration.
TOBY [After a pause, deviously] What are you doing tonight, Roshelle?
ROSHELLE Oh, well, yes, we could go out.
TOBY We? I’m seeing Kay. I’ll think of you home alone in bed. I hope you’ve got a tablecloth to play with.
[TOBY walks away from ROSHELLE towards front of stage. The lights dim on ROSHELLE as she sits stunned. TOBY makes a call on his mobile phone.]
TOBY Hey, darling, is that you …? Yes, Toby here. Kay, I’ve been thinking about – What? Kay, Kay! Hello, hello? She hung up on me.
[NOEL and BILLIE walk in together.]
NOEL All I’m saying, Billers, if you just stay in the centre more, I can light you better.
BILLIE Noelly, the lighting person is meant to adjust to the actor’s choreography. Not vice versa.
TOBY Noel?
NOEL Whatup?
TOBY Noel, Kay hung up on me.
NOEL Hung up? Gee.
TOBY Noel, you flat with her. Has she said anything? Was she angry after I left?
NOEL Why would she be, man?
TOBY I guess I ran away this morning. I didn’t know what I’d gotten into. But I do now, and I’m glad. Roshelle, has she said anything to you?
[ROSHELLE gets up from the table gingerly.]
ROSHELLE No.
TOBY Billie?
BILLIE No.
TOBY Come on, Billie. She hung up on me.
BILLIE Maybe she doesn’t want a kid.
TOBY, NOEL & ROSHELLE What?
BILLIE Well, she wouldn’t even get to watch you grow up.
TOBY Thanks. I’m serious.
BILLIE Toby, it’s between you and Kay. I’d hate it if an outsider got involved in my affairs.
TOBY You’re right.
ROSHELLE You should just go over and see her, Toby.
TOBY You’re right. I will. I’ll just go over.
NOEL Yo, Toby man, chill.
BILLIE Why?
NOEL Leave it to the brother man, Toblerone. You’ll gee her up. I’ll talk to her.
TOBY I guess.
ROSHELLE Toby, I think you should really –
NOEL [As he leaves] Any messages?
TOBY Tell her I …
NOEL What, man?
TOBY No, I want to tell her myself.
[NOEL leaves. TOBY looks hesitant. BILLIE and ROSHELLE try to think of something nice to say. ANGUS enters.]
ANGUS Billie, I’ve been looking for you everywhere.
TOBY Hey, DeVille! Angus! You wouldn’t believe what’s happened with Kay. She hung up –
ROSHELLE Toby, not now!
TOBY What?
ROSHELLE Tell me over here.
[ROSHELLE leads TOBY over to the table. BILLIE and ANGUS stare at each other for a long while.]
ANGUS [Sadly] Hello, girl.
BILLIE Hello, Angus.
ANGUS What happened to hello boy?
[There’s a pause.]
BILLIE So, boy, still wanking away?
ANGUS Still dreaming about you.
BILLIE Wet dreams, I hope.
ANGUS Naturally. See how much sex you’re missing out on.
[They both laugh. ANGUS uses the opportunity to take BILLIE’S hands. She slowly extricates herself.]
Then don’t flirt with me!
BILLIE Oh yes, of course. Every woman’s a cock-tease.
ANGUS I’m sorry, dear, I’m sorry. I love you.
BILLIE No you don’t.
ANGUS [Adamantly] I love you.
[Pause.]
BILLIE What have you been up to?
ANGUS Oh, lunch with Roshelle.
BILLIE Been seeing Roshelle a bit lately?
ANGUS Billie, I’d rather cheat on the Mafia.
BILLIE And knowing what a coward you are …
ANGUS Yes? [Impatiently] Yes? I must love you indeed? Was that what you were going to say? [Pause.] Oh Billie, it would be so easy for you, wouldn’t it, if I were with someone else? But Billie, you’re the only girl in the world for me.
BILLIE And poor Roshelle?
ANGUS I don’t understand.
BILLIE That’s the way it is with men. The girl they’re with is a goddess but every other girl …
ANGUS Billie, am I like that?
BILLIE No, you’re not an idiot.
ANGUS I’m not an idiot? I like that. I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve said about me. [Pause.] Billie, I love you.
BILLIE [Softening] I know.
ANGUS Thank god you admit it.
BILLIE Look, Angus, if it were anyone else, I’d see where it went. It wouldn’t matter then if it were over in six months …
ANGUS Oh, so that’s supposed to make me happy? [Adopting American accent] Anyone else but you, boy. Angus, you’re my best friend.
BILLIE Well, I thought we were friends.
ANGUS Don’t, Billie. Don’t. It hurts me to hurt you. It’s hard enough that you don’t love me. But if you hated me …
[BILLIE takes ANGUS’S hands.]
BILLIE I can’t explain it to you, boy. I have to be sure. It mightn’t work.
ANGUS It might.
BILLIE It’s not working now. We used to be such good friends. Now we fight. I knew this would happen.
ANGUS Still waiting for that epiphany?
BILLIE I don’t know. I suppose so.
ANGUS See, that makes it harder again. It gives me hope. If you could just say I don’t love you and never will, I could start grieving you.
BILLIE I’m not dead.
ANGUS But can you say that?
BILLIE I can’t.
ANGUS Bah! Then I’ll just have to say that you don’t.
BILLIE If you like.
ANGUS I like.
[Angry pause.]
BILLIE See, Angus, this is just what I wanted to avoid.
ANGUS But I can’t go back, Billie. It’s too late. It’s far, far too late. I love you, Billie. I’m in love with you.
BILLIE I’m sorry, Angus. Maybe if we saw a little less of each other. We could still stay –
ANGUS No, Billie! It’s too late for me. I can’t go back. [Pause.] You don’t want me as a lover. [Pause, hopes for contradiction] I don’t want you as a friend.
[ANGUS walks to the front of stage, turning his back on BILLIE. BILLIE steps forward a few paces, goes to touch ANGUS on the shoulder, but turns and hurriedly leaves.]
ROSHELLE Toby, go and speak to Angus.
TOBY Angus? Oh, look, maybe you should. You’re a girl.
ROSHELLE [Punching TOBY lightly] Agh! Stupido! Tobes, he is your friend. Your good friend. You have been friends for years. [Hugging TOBY] Come over tonight, beautiful. I will make you something very special.
[ROSHELLE leaves. TOBY approaches ANGUS but cannot think what to say. TOBY then watches in surprise as ANGUS cries. TOBY fidgets awkwardly. He is about to say something when he decides instead to call his mobile phone again. ANGUS, becoming aware of TOBY’S presence, composes himself.]
TOBY Hello …? Hello …? Good, it’s you. Kay, I just –
[KAY has obviously hung up on TOBY again.]
Kay …? Kay …? Kay!
[TOBY looks at ANGUS then walks over to him.]
Angus, I don’t understand.
ANGUS What’s happened?
TOBY Every time I get onto Kay, she hangs up on me.
ANGUS Has she said why?
TOBY No.
ANGUS Maybe she’s changed her mind. Women’s prerogative.
TOBY What? No, no, no. It’s just early days, Angus. Misunderstandings. I just need to see her again, that’s all. I just need to tell her I love her and everything will be all right.
ANGUS Perhaps …
TOBY Of course it will. God, it’s so stupid. I hardly know her and yet … and yet …
ANGUS Be careful, Toby.
TOBY Why, Angus? Because you never take risks.
ANGUS No matter where you stand, Toby, you’ll always have your back to someone.
TOBY What’s that mean?
ANGUS I have taken risks before, Toby. I’ve just taken my greatest.
TOBY No you haven’t. You’re a bore, Angus. A great big fucking bore.
[TOBY leaves. ANGUS stands still a moment.]
ANGUS I cannot stand – I cannot bear –
This damned – this deep – despair.
Why ever can’t the world have less
Of pain, and more of happiness?
One brief moment in your arms;
A world to wait and watch your charms.
I fell in love – I gave a start –
Or was it that I stabbed my heart?
[Fade to black.]
ACT TWO
Scene 7
ANGUS’ APARTMENT
TOBY and NOEL are sitting around, talking.
NOEL Hey, man, I’m doing my best for you. But she still won’t come to the party.
TOBY It’s been a month now.
NOEL Hey, Tobes, man, maybe it’s not meant to –
TOBY Noel!
[ANGUS enters, having made coffee for the three of them.]
It’s just a misunderstanding, that’s all. I hate all this third party stuff.
ANGUS What’s that?
TOBY Oh, going through Noel all the time.
ANGUS [Looking at NOEL] I see.
NOEL Yeah, well, Devlin, she won’t speak to the brother man.
ANGUS Toby, you haven’t spoken to her directly since that night?
TOBY No.
NOEL [Looking at his watch] Hey, er, Franca will be here soon.
TOBY I don’t know why. All that work. With her leaving and our star, Kay, what a disaster. Then Billie.
ANGUS I’m sorry, Toby, I couldn’t –
TOBY A great big fucking disaster! I hear producers are creaming themselves about your big work, Angus? Première in London.
ANGUS Toby, I’ve always been your most supportive …
[FRANCA enters and immediately senses the depressed mood.]
FRANCA Hello … guys …
[TOBY stares at FRANCA a moment before starting to walk away.]
TOBY I’m going to speak to Kay. To Kay directly!
ANGUS [Fiercely] Toby, don’t!
NOEL No, don’t.
FRANCA Yes, don’t.
TOBY Why not?
FRANCA Toby, she doesn’t want you near the house.
TOBY What? But we’re soul-mates.
ANGUS Believe me, Toby, you don’t know her from a bar of soap.
TOBY DeVille?
ANGUS You don’t know her, Toby. It’s infatuation.
TOBY Oh, so only genius extraordinaire, Angus DeVille, can fall in love. You think you and your fucking plays are great, don’t you?
ANGUS You don’t know her, Toby.
TOBY I know her.
ANGUS [Deliberately but firmly] You don’t know her from a bar of soap.
TOBY I do!
NOEL Yes, from a bar of soap, Toby. A bar of soap!
FRANCA She isn’t you, Toby.
TOBY SHE ISN’T ME?! Franca, how the fuck would you know what me is? All the time: ‘That’s not you, Toby, that’s not the image I have of you, Toby, she’s not right for you, Toby, nah, nah, nah’. Franca, you don’t know me at all. You don’t know me from a bar of …
ANGUS … soap?
TOBY Oh, fuck the lot of you! [TOBY starts to storm off.]
ANGUS [Menacingly] Where are you going?
TOBY [Giving in] Oh, I don’t know. Roshelle’s probably.
[FRANCA and NOEL visibly relax.]
Scene 8
OUTDOOR CAFÉ
TOBY is with ROSHELLE, sitting at a table.
ROSHELLE Ah, Tobes, one day you will look back and see how much time you spent talking about the sex of angels.
TOBY What!?
ROSHELLE Ah, you don’t have this saying?
TOBY No.
ROSHELLE When you talk about something forever and ever that is so stupid, like what sex angels might be, this is what we mean. Tobes, you’ve wasted so much time on this Kay. You deserve someone better. You and Angus. Argh! You are such stupids.
TOBY We are so stupid.
ROSHELLE I know this.
TOBY No, I mean you can’t say someone is a stupid. They either are stupid or behave stupid-ly.
ROSHELLE Why have you not said this before?
TOBY I don’t know. It was kind of funny.
ROSHELLE That is not fair, Toby. I don’t know this language. I find it hard. You don’t know other language. You’ve been laughing at me.
TOBY No, we haven’t been laughing.
ROSHELLE You have.
TOBY We haven’t.
ROSHELLE You can’t even say sorry.
TOBY Sorry.
[Pause.]
ROSHELLE You are still a stupid.
[They both laugh. ROSHELLE manages to get an arm around TOBY and pulls his head onto her shoulder.]
TOBY God, the way she wore those pyjamas!
ROSHELLE Argh!
[ROSHELLE pushes TOBY away.]
TOBY What?
ROSHELLE Kay, Kay, Kay! You’re obsessed. I don’t want to hear about her.
TOBY I thought the point of having friends was that you didn’t have to censor yourself around them.
ROSHELLE What is this? Cen-sor?
TOBY Doesn’t matter.
ROSHELLE I understand anyway. Toby, there may have been someone much better. Right in front of you. You will learn this one day.
TOBY Roshelle, I’m four years older than you!
ROSHELLE Ah, Tobes, Tobes, how long will you run after her?
TOBY Forever probably.
ROSHELLE What is this hold she has over you?
TOBY I don’t know. It was the way she wore her pyjamas in public.
[A long pause.]
ROSHELLE You are not a nice person.
TOBY What? Where did that come from?
ROSHELLE You are not a nice person, Toby. Sometimes I think you come over just when you are unhappy.
TOBY That’s not true.
ROSHELLE When things are wrong with Kay. You always talk to me about Kay like you want my opinion but I don’t know what to say.
TOBY That’s not true.
ROSHELLE [Crying] I’m feeling so unhappy lately, and I don’t ring anyone. I ring home, to Argentina. I always inviting you over, and Billie and DeVille, but no one invite me anywhere. I have no one here.
TOBY But … I’m sure Angus at least …
ROSHELLE He only rings me when he’s bored. Like you. I never thought you’d come here on a Friday night. I have no one here. Nothing to keep me here. [Slowly, hesitantly] No one to keep me here.
TOBY I’m sorry … I will …
ROSHELLE You are so self-centred, Toby. You are not a nice person.
TOBY [Hugging her awkwardly] I’ll … I’ll call you. I didn’t realise you … Look, we’ll have a Toby-day-out. [Walking to the door] Goodbye, okay?
ROSHELLE You can’t even leave properly.
TOBY I’m sorry. I feel so bad.
ROSHELLE You feel bad! You! You are so self-centred.
TOBY See you later.
ROSHELLE No.
TOBY Yes, of course … – No, what, why?
ROSHELLE I’m going home.
TOBY What? Well, we must catch up before then. See you, Roshelle.
[TOBY hugs ROSHELLE, patting her on the back. ROSHELLE is unresponsive. TOBY quickly leaves.]
Scene 9
ANGUS’S APARTMENT
ANGUS is sitting at his table. There is a knock at the door. He opens it to find TOBY on the threshold.
ANGUS Toby?
TOBY It’s horrible, DeVille.
ANGUS What is?
TOBY I’ve just been talking to Roshelle … It’s horrible.
ANGUS What is?
TOBY It’s horrible that someone can like you – even love you – and that you couldn’t care less about them. It’s not fair.
ANGUS Fair is for hair.
TOBY [Almost crying] Kay couldn’t even care less about me! [Pause.] When does it happen, DeVille, that you find someone who loves you just as much as you love them?
ANGUS All the time …
TOBY All the time?
ANGUS In fiction. Toby, you’re not in love with Kay.
TOBY What?
ANGUS You hardly even know her. You’ve said as much yourself. You’re in love with an image of ideal romance which you’ve projected onto a poor innocent girl.
TOBY You arsehole. DeVille, I love her. She’s the one.
ANGUS She isn’t the bloody one, Toby. There is no bloody one. Get that out of your head before you get arrested for stalking her!
TOBY What?
ANGUS Yes, Noel told me while you were gone. You stand outside their house every night. She hates you, Toby. She despises you.
TOBY No … She just doesn’t … I just need to tell her I –
ANGUS Listen, Toby, telling someone you love them isn’t enough to make them love you. You might think so at the time, but it isn’t. Just because the feeling is so strong in you, doesn’t mean a damned thing for them unless they feel the same way.
TOBY But then … Look, there was definitely chemistry at first. She asked me round! She asked me to bring my pyjamas!
ANGUS Well, what of it? She asked you round. So what? Have you ever considered this, Toby, that while you spent the next day saying, “yes, yes, yes!” she was saying, “no, no, no! Dear fucking god, NO!”
[There is a long pause. TOBY eventually slaps ANGUS. ANGUS looks surprised but then punches TOBY in return. TOBY falls to the floor. ANGUS helps him up.]
Tilt your head back.
[ANGUS watches as TOBY plays with his nose.]
Not broken?
[TOBY shakes his head.]
[Softening] Sorry.
[Pause. ANGUS stares into TOBY’S face. TOBY can’t help but smile a little.]
[Jovially] Hey, I never told you about Estelle, did I?
TOBY [Sullenly] No.
ANGUS When I met Estelle I felt less alone than ever. I was in love; she was in doubt. For once I thought about someone else more than I thought about myself. I would have done anything for Estelle. She took me up on the offer and I stayed away.
TOBY [Bawling] It just still hurts so much.
ANGUS [Putting an arm around him] I know, I know. It’s fresh. Wait till it starts going stale. That’s worse. When you know your love is fading and you’ve never had a chance to express it. Did I ever tell you about my dog, Chekhov?
TOBY [Laughing amid the tears] You and your bloody stories.
ANGUS When Chekhov died, I still took her for walks. She kept getting ahead. Before, she’d stay by my feet. After a while, she strayed from sight altogether. A year later I came upon her grave, covered in grass, and cried afresh. Everything dies twice: once in itself, and once in you. [Pause.] Now go to bed. You can cry yourself to sleep.
[ANGUS puts TOBY on the couch with a blanket then creeps out the front door. The lights come up. Chirping sounds. It is now morning. ANGUS hands TOBY a cup of coffee to help him wake up.]
ANGUS Toby.
TOBY Angus? What time is it?
ANGUS I went to Kay’s house.
TOBY You went there?
ANGUS I don’t think Noel is your friend.
TOBY What? What did Kay say?
ANGUS As a result of our conversation, Noel is finding another flat.
TOBY What? Look, what about Kay? What did she say?
ANGUS I made her write a letter to you.
[ANGUS passes over the letter.]
TOBY Is it good?
ANGUS Probably not what you wanted to hear, but it will at least provide an answer for you. You can start your life again.
TOBY Could you …?
ANGUS Of course. I’ll be in the study. Just call out.
[ANGUS leaves. TOBY opens the letter. He starts crying. We hear FRANCA coming in from outside.]
FRANCA [Offstage] Fresh bagels, orange juice and ham. Coming up.
[FRANCA enters with a pile of shopping. She sees the letter in TOBY’S hands.]
What’s that?
TOBY A letter … It’s a letter, Franca. From … She’s gone. For good.
FRANCA Roshelle?
TOBY Oh, well, yes, she’s gone too. Oh God, that was horrible. I mean … It’s from Kay.
FRANCA I’m sorry.
TOBY No you’re not. You’re glad.
FRANCA She wasn’t right for you.
TOBY She was perfect.
FRANCA You still love her?
TOBY Yes.
FRANCA Even though she never cared for you?
TOBY [Indicating the letter] It was just a bit of fun to her, Fran. She thought I felt the same way. A night of fun. That’s it.
FRANCA It doesn’t … by any chance … say anything about Noel … or me?
TOBY What? No. Why should it?
FRANCA [Visibly relaxing] She wasn’t you.
TOBY [Crying again] For a time, Franca, I was so, so happy …
[FRANCA puts an arm round TOBY.]
FRANCA Now you know how it feels to love someone who doesn’t love you back.
[FRANCA kisses TOBY. TOBY pulls away and looks at FRANCA long and hard.]
TOBY Now I understand.
FRANCA About time.
TOBY [Standing up] Yes, now I understand, Franca. I understand that you are how I would be if Kay had stayed.
FRANCA What?
TOBY I must leave.
FRANCA Why?
TOBY I must break from you completely, Franca.
FRANCA No. No, you can’t, Toby.
TOBY I must.
FRANCA Why?
TOBY It’s not fair to you, Franca. At least with Kay gone … with the hope gone …
FRANCA No! Don’t go.
TOBY I guess I’ve always known how you’ve felt about me, Franca, and I’ve enjoyed that power. DeVille is right. By loving someone, you arm then against you.
[TOBY starts to leave. FRANCA runs after him.]
FRANCA No, don’t! Don’t leave! Don’t! This isn’t how it was meant …
TOBY … to be? Nothing is meant to be, Franca. That is the greatest myth.
[TOBY opens the front door. NOEL is standing there.]
NOEL Bad timing?
TOBY What do you want?
NOEL I heard the yelling.
TOBY Is that what attracted you?
NOEL What …? Look, hey, man, I’m your friend.
TOBY Not according to Angus.
NOEL That pompous old fart. ‘Don’t you think I would’ve looked the cream with a Hitler moustache? And now I’ll never look my best! God rot it and damn.’
TOBY [Whispering] Hey, I told you never to repeat that.
NOEL Hey, Kay doesn’t hate you, man. She just …
TOBY … doesn’t love me.
[TOBY leaves. ANGUS enters unseen by NOEL but FRANCA notices him.]
NOEL [Imitating TOBY] Oh my God, she lives in a gothic church.
FRANCA Noel!
NOEL And she wears her pyjamas to rehearsals!
FRANCA Noel!
NOEL But she doesn’t love me, boo hoo hoo.
ANGUS Well, some people do, Noel.
NOEL [Spinning round] What? Devlin?
ANGUS DeVille.
NOEL Hey, man, just a bit of fun.
ANGUS Some people do love Toby.
NOEL Yeah … okay.
ANGUS But no one likes you, Noel.
NOEL What? Look, man …
ANGUS You have no friends, Noelly. Toby calls you Big Sister behind your back, Franca calls you Big Sister to your face, Roshelle thinks you’re funny, and Billie reckons you smell. No one loves you, Noel.
NOEL Franca does! Franca?
[FRANCA is unresponsive.]
Franca!
[FRANCA shakes her head ‘No’.]
ANGUS There are people who really love Toby, Billie, Roshelle, and myself. But no one loves you, Noel. No one will ever start at happiness just to see you enter a room. Tremble at the way you bite your fingers. Or worship your silhouette with the sun behind you. In short, no one will ever love you.
[These words appear to affect FRANCA as much as they do NOEL.]
NOEL You hate me?
ANGUS I don’t need to, Noel. I’ve got you to do that for me.
NOEL Look, Devlin, you can’t say this to me. I’ve got –
FRANCA – nothing! Now FUCK OFF!
[Pause. NOEL leaves. ANGUS opens the door for FRANCA to leave also.]
DeVille?
ANGUS Yes, Franca?
FRANCA Why didn’t we ever …?
ANGUS I thought you were strange.
FRANCA Then what went wrong?
ANGUS You were.
[ANGUS gestures to FRANCA to leave.]
FRANCA Angus?
ANGUS Yes, Franca?
FRANCA Do you …? About what you said to Noel …
ANGUS Yes?
FRANCA Do you think anyone could ever … fall in love with … me, DeVille?
ANGUS No.
[ANGUS shuts the door in her face.]
Scene 10
THEATRE SPACE
TOBY is rummaging around the theatre, which is now quite a mess. BILLIE enters carrying a bag.
TOBY Billie? You’re back?
BILLIE To get my things.
TOBY Of course.
BILLIE And to see Angus. [Pause.] If he’ll let me.
TOBY I doubt it.
BILLIE He’s the last person I ever wanted to hurt, Toby. He’s nice.
TOBY Ah, nice.
BILLIE Yes, nice. Nice is good, Toby.
TOBY Like you’d care.
BILLIE I do care.
TOBY Funny way you girls have of showing it.
BILLIE I miss him. He’s not an idiot.
TOBY Full of compliments today, aren’t we? Well, you’ll have to keep missing him.
BILLIE Why?
TOBY He’s going back to England. [Silence.] I don’t know why I don’t go with him. We’re having him to dinner tomorrow night. Franca and me. Or is it Franca and I? I’m a playwright; you’d think I’d know. Well, maybe I’m not a playwright. What was the review? ‘With such plays as Remembrance behind him, Toby still has everywhere to go. Nice use of cliché.’ Well, it’s going back home to the mother country for old DeVille. So, Billers, you’d better hurry up and have that epiphany.
[TOBY walks to the door, leaves, but then pops his head back in mischievously.]
Hello, girl!
[TOBY quickly ducks out.]
BILLIE [Face lighting up] Hello, boy … [Turning around] Boy …? [Pause.] Angus.
Scene 11
FRANCA’S APARTMENT
TOBY is watching FRANCA as she prepares a meal.
FRANCA You could help.
[TOBY gets up sluggishly when the phone rings.]
TOBY Hello…? Oh, Billie…? [Covering mouthpiece] It’s Billie! What…? Angus? Well, Billie, he should be here now… You want to see him…? Look, I don’t think so. You’ll just keep hurting him… Look, Billie, I think you should stay away — … What…? I don’t believe it! You mean it? You really mean it…? Oh Billie, he’ll be so happy… Oh no, of course, I’ll let you tell him. Come over straight away… Straight away! Bye, Billie, bye!
[TOBY puts down the phone.]
Franca, did you hear that?
FRANCA I got the gist.
TOBY I’ll get another plate. To think! Oh, DeVille, he’ll be so happy.
[TOBY runs from the room. FRANCA starts lighting the candles with trembling hands. TOBY walks back in with the extra plate, but he has now lost his enthusiasm. He walks very slowly.]
He will be so happy, won’t he, Franca?
FRANCA Yes. They both will.
TOBY They’ll be happy.
FRANCA They’re in love.
TOBY They love each other.
FRANCA They love each other equally.
TOBY They’ll be happy. So, so …
TOBY & FRANCA …happy.
[The phone rings again. They both look at it for an uncomfortable time. FRANCA eventually picks it up.]
FRANCA Hello…? Billie. We were in the kitchen… Yes, you’ll be a bit late…? Look, I’m sorry but an email just came… Yes, from DeVille. He’s gone already. Caught an earlier flight… Hates good byes… No, no forwarding address. A real good bye… You’re still welcome to dinner… No, of course… Some other time… Good bye, Billie.
TOBY Wait!
[FRANCA hangs up. TOBY stares at FRANCA.]
Franca?
FRANCA She wasn’t right for him, Toby.
TOBY But…
FRANCA She would’ve kept hurting him.
TOBY But she said…
FRANCA No she doesn’t.
[FRANCA starts removing the extra plate, cutlery and glass.]
TOBY But she was crying, Franca.
FRANCA She wasn’t.
TOBY I could hear.
FRANCA She wasn’t.
TOBY That means Angus can hurt her.
FRANCA What? This again!?
TOBY Don’t you understand, Franca?
FRANCA No!
TOBY Billie’s made Angus cry. Oh Fran, I’d never seen him cry before. I mean, Billie really made him cry. And now Angus has made Billie cry! Don’t you see what this means, Franca? They can hurt each other. They’re in love!
FRANCA [After a pause] Do you think I will ever make someone cry in that way?
[There is a knock at the door. They both stand facing each other.]
TOBY It will be DeVille.
FRANCA Remember, Toby, how happy you should be right now. They’re not right for each other, those two.
TOBY But Franca…
FRANCA You decide.
[FRANCA nods to the door again as we hear another knock. Music plays. TOBY goes to the door and lets ANGUS in. We cannot hear what they are saying but it is obvious that TOBY has not mentioned BILLIE’S call. A space of time passes before FRANCA gets up and turns the music down. She sits back at the table with ANGUS and TOBY.]
ANGUS Well, folks, thanks for a pleasant evening.
TOBY It’s been a horrid evening.
ANGUS Toby, I suppose none of us are too happy right now. I thought… for just a moment… that I was going to be happier than I’d ever dared hope I might be. [Puffing himself up again.] You know, I’ve got to start reciting that old mantra of mine.
TOBY What’s that?
ANGUS ‘Happiness is not my right. The world is not made for me. The fact that I am me has no special significance.’
[ANGUS gets up to leave. TOBY and FRANCA stand with him.]
TOBY What shall they say of you, Angus?
ANGUS [After a pause] Angus DeVille died in his own time. He is survived by billions. Remember, Toby, failures last longer than successes. Good-bye, my lad. May happiness find us both. Goodbye, Franca, may happiness find you out.
[ANGUS starts to leave. TOBY calls after him.]
TOBY Angus!
ANGUS Yes?
FRANCA The two of them would have been so happy together, Toby.
ANGUS [To FRANCA ] What? [To TOBY] Toby, what were you going to say?
TOBY Just that, Angus, I… I…
[ANGUS leans forward compulsively and hugs TOBY. ANGUS then laughs.]
ANGUS Ha! Roshelle was right!
TOBY Right?
ANGUS She said she’d have us all hugging each other by the time she left. Hey, she really liked you, Tobes. That’s what she called you: Tobes. You never thought …?
TOBY No.
ANGUS Too right. You can’t make yourself love someone just as you can’t help yourself from loving someone. If only the two coincided more. Here’s to that, Toby, Franca, my dears. God, to fall in love is one thing, but to fall in love with someone who loves you in return… That must be the best feeling imaginable.
[ANGUS turns to leave again.]
TOBY [Trembling] Franca, we really should…
ANGUS No, no, don’t be silly, I can walk to the station.
TOBY No, I meant … Franca, please, we must…
[FRANCA jumps forward and grabs ANGUS]
FRANCA DeVille!
ANGUS Franca!
FRANCA You would have been so happy, Angus! Toby, why should some people find such happiness when most don’t?
ANGUS [Taken aback by her savagery but laughing it off] No, no it’s not fair, Fran. We should either all be miserable or all be happy. That’s what I say.
FRANCA I’m glad you agree.
TOBY [Crying] It’s not fair.
ANGUS Too right.
[All three start crying. They hug. DeVille walks to the door and looks outside.]
Franca, I’m sorry now about what I said to you. And Noel. It’s troubled me. Perhaps you were right, Toby.
TOBY Sorry?
ANGUS Concerning Mr Angus DeVille’s extraordinary and unwarranted arrogance. Well I can tell you both that it’s now much depleted.
FRANCA You were cruel.
ANGUS I’m so, so sorry, Franca. I’ve just been so bitter lately, what with … well, with things not working out.
TOBY What did you say?
ANGUS Nothing, Toby, that should be repeated. No one is beyond or beneath being loved or of loving.
FRANCA You don’t know me.
TOBY From a bar of soap. Let’s not go there.
[ANGUS extricates himself from TOBY and FRANCA and walks to the front door.]
ANGUS My friends, I don’t know why happiness can’t be the norm. I can’t tell you why life has to run along in a pretty ordinary fashion, and then, just when you think you’ve got the hang of it, I don’t know why it shows you a glimpse of this other, sunnier life. I don’t think anyone can answer that. Any religion, creed or belief system whatsoever. My friends, you’ve just got to try and not be bitter, that’s all. All I can say is…
TOBY Yes?
[ANGUS stares into the sky as he holds out an outstretched palm.]
ANGUS …that…
TOBY [Desperately] Yes?
ANGUS Well, what would you know? Looks like rain.
[ANGUS stares into the sky, raises his umbrella then walks away. TOBY can’t bear to look at FRANCA. Finally, in a blur of movement he grabs his parker and rushes to the door as he opens his umbrella. FRANCA stands in front of the doorway.]
FRANCA [Indicating the open umbrella] That’s seven years bad luck.
TOBY Out of my way, Franca.
FRANCA They will have everything we never will, Toby.
TOBY Franca, I mean it.
FRANCA Think about it, Toby. They won’t fuck; they’ll make love. And then they’ll hold each other and not turn away, or want to get their space. In fact, they won’t ever be too close. Pressed against each other, hearing each other’s heartbeats, smelling each other’s smell, tasting each other’s taste, won’t ever be close enough. Because they’ll be in love, mutually, as irretrievably, each as much as the other, beautifully in love. They’ll be happy …
TOBY So …
FRANCA … so …
TOBY & FRANCA … happy.
[Pause.]
TOBY But you heard him, Franca. We can’t be bitter. Please.
FRANCA Think of Kay, Toby, your girl in pyjamas, the one you’ll never have.
TOBY [Crying] Franca, don’t.
FRANCA Think of how you should be sitting together, right now, in that gothic church, your back against the cold stone, peering over the parapet, with your girl in lace, head resting like a swan against your shoulder.
TOBY [Bawling] Please, Franca …
FRANCA Think about it, Toby! Picture it! The wind whistles through the cloisters. You hear its call. The two of you ascend the bell tower. She raises one of those candle holders…
TOBY The round one, with a handle for slipping your finger through?
FRANCA Yes, and the two of you walk together, arms interlaced, hearts beating as one. Can you picture it, Toby? Can you picture it?!
TOBY Yes!
FRANCA Good, because that’s what you’ll never have.
TOBY What? No. I can still see her, Franca.
FRANCA Never, Toby. Because she was never there!
TOBY Never, Franca?
FRANCA Never. So why should DeVille get his real-life girl in the castle?
TOBY I …
[FRANCA stares at TOBY a second then opens the door again. TOBY declines to leave. Franca walks over to her bedroom door then stops, leaning in the doorway.]
Well, coming to bed?
[TOBY stares across at her dully. FRANCA waits a moment then shrugs. She enters the room but without shutting the door and starts removing her clothes. After a pause, TOBY folds away the umbrella and removes his parker. He walks towards the bedroom as he unbuttons his shirt. He enters FRANCA’S room, shutting the door behind him.]
THE END.
Toco Productions 